Everything In It’s Place

I know when I am overwhelmed.  I get angry too quickly and start cleaning like a maniac.  I snap at anyone who gets in my way and mutter under my breath that without me no one would survive.

The resolve is that I can feel it coming.  There are weeks that it is unavoidable to say no and the loss of control is unnerving.  Maybe it just takes getting frustrated to get me back on track.

Where does that feeling come from that says — only I can do things right?  Why is it so tough to adopt the mantra “If one day is not long enough, there is always the next day.”  Why do I need so much praise during this time that I feel like I’m falling apart.

I learned to create organization at a young age. It meant my outer world was taken care of at the expense of insight into my inner world.  I did not learn how to connect with my emotional self as a young girl and adult — the outer appearances were more important.  In my head overwhelm causes me to feel inadequate and I rush to make the outer world whole again.  Once everything is in place, I can feel relaxed and ready to take on my responsibilities.

My behavior is not fair.  I leave the people I care about the most, feeling  betrayed.  They know that I have always treasured being kind and I do not show kindness during my hurricane periods.  I must accomplish goals I set every day and prove that I am cherished.

All Smiles

The answer is NOT to keep busy.  That has been my avoidance “go to.”  The remedy is to slow down, finish what I can and realize that a good day is acknowledging all around me who create my happy world. The feeling of appreciation does not come from always doing and rescuing.  It comes from seeing everyone I touch, smile and feel at ease.  I have to learn to put fun ahead of tasks more often.

Learn to Play — Be a Kid