Category: Making Changes (Page 1 of 2)

Everything In It’s Place

I know when I am overwhelmed.  I get angry too quickly and start cleaning like a maniac.  I snap at anyone who gets in my way and mutter under my breath that without me no one would survive.

The resolve is that I can feel it coming.  There are weeks that it is unavoidable to say no and the loss of control is unnerving.  Maybe it just takes getting frustrated to get me back on track.

Where does that feeling come from that says — only I can do things right?  Why is it so tough to adopt the mantra “If one day is not long enough, there is always the next day.”  Why do I need so much praise during this time that I feel like I’m falling apart.

I learned to create organization at a young age. It meant my outer world was taken care of at the expense of insight into my inner world.  I did not learn how to connect with my emotional self as a young girl and adult — the outer appearances were more important.  In my head overwhelm causes me to feel inadequate and I rush to make the outer world whole again.  Once everything is in place, I can feel relaxed and ready to take on my responsibilities.

My behavior is not fair.  I leave the people I care about the most, feeling  betrayed.  They know that I have always treasured being kind and I do not show kindness during my hurricane periods.  I must accomplish goals I set every day and prove that I am cherished.

All Smiles

The answer is NOT to keep busy.  That has been my avoidance “go to.”  The remedy is to slow down, finish what I can and realize that a good day is acknowledging all around me who create my happy world. The feeling of appreciation does not come from always doing and rescuing.  It comes from seeing everyone I touch, smile and feel at ease.  I have to learn to put fun ahead of tasks more often.

Learn to Play — Be a Kid

I remember my first panic attacks.  I was 19 years old and newly married.  I was in a young marriage to run away from my miserable home life since my parents’ divorce.  Gone were my confident days and happy nights. Gone was the security of knowing everyone at home was safe.  Gone were my days in high school with friends and activities.  Gone was my smile.

I was grasping for anything that felt like family.  My husband and his family were chosen to fill my void.  They were intact and had dinner together every night.  They laughed.  I could bring our two kids here and they would be safe and loved.  It was not the same as my home and the feeling of belonging was a tall order.  I was asking too much of anyone to give me what I lost.

Pain of the past — fear of the future.  As I self soothed myself with another marriage, my panic attacks disappeared but anxiety was always at the surface of my day.  I developed a desperation to make sure everyone in my world was thriving.  I learned to smile and serve.  I pleased and never rocked the structure of what a family was supposed to be.  Fear became my friend and I valued being the victim of my story.

As the years went by I developed the inability to smile through my tears. I alone was responsible for my daily life.  If I let others choose my path, they would.  Saying no was excruciating for me and I let the waves keep coming.

The rescue came one day dialing the phone and a counselor said “come over I have a spot open for you.”  For once, I followed through and sat in her chair and worked on myself.  Gone was any hint of pity for my life. It was me in the chair finding my way out of the hole I was in.

I worked hard to climb my way out of victimhood.  I could not fall back on my safe haven of blame.  Choices were mine and I had not prioritized where I wanted my life to be.  I followed and blamed.  I stopped crying and set a goal for myself.

I lacked any experience in my life of being alone.  As we worked on a solution together — I realized that I never gave college a chance.  I began the process of enrolling at the local junior college.  It changed my confidence to be in a class where no one knew me or really cared what I was going through.  This was all me — I could succeed or quit on my own.

The earlier Sherry would have quit college when negative voices played all around me.  People were used to me making their lives my priority.  I had to be at class, I had homework, I was leaving everyone to their own life. I have never felt a greater sense of accomplishment than carrying and framing my diploma.  It was never just a piece of paper to me.

I do not have to have all the answers.  I do not need to solve everyone’s questions. The freedom I feel when I’m alone feeding my soul is joyful. I drive where I want and schedule myself according to morning or afternoon. I do not live on a time constraint. College taught me how to be alone. Writing gave me my voice.

As I age, I find anxiety in my health.  Once again I need to tackle this beast in my head. I know that I have the ability to find a way to work through this alone. My strength and confidence are solid and the foundation was set that day with the counselor.

Peace comes for me in small ways. Simple ideas work best.  Unreachable dreams just get in the way of everyday moments. Nature is a gift. Writing is an escape. Exercise is essential. Food can satisfy the need for nourishment but not be the mindless swallowing of feelings. Music can calm the wild thoughts and constant achieving.  I no longer need to see myself through other’s eyes.

“Curiosity is the beginning of knowledge. Action is the beginning of change.”  James Clear

You lose your job. Your partner passes away. Your kids leave to start their adult lives. You get sick.  You retire.  You move.

Music Heals

Change can cripple you.  All of your plans for the future no longer matter. You are given a short time period to find new purpose. The energy and motivation necessary to get up out of bed just vanishes.  You feel cheated that you could not keep the journey alive. The devastation of every day is so unfair — why me, why now?

”What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow. Our life is the creation of our mind.” The Dhammapada (collection of Buddhist scriptures, on the power of your mind).

 

The changes have no particular order of how impossible they are. All are hard in their way,  it depends on each individual and what priorities are still viable. Each one can take the breath out of your soul.

I cannot give a concrete answer as to how to cope or move forward. I do believe, though, that hope is never lost and it takes a great amount of strength to find your spirit again.

Get out of bed, brush your hair and teeth and put on exercise clothes. That is a start —  find  a way to take a walk outside — don’t push yourself just walk till you feel you need to stop.  Walk a little more every day.  When you feel like being around people, find a coffee shop that feels comfortable.  Order your favorite drink and sit with your thoughts. Work up to talking to a friend.  Turn on music that has meaning to you. Dance!

Soothe Yourself

I am scared of what getting older may mean for my own changes.  It has taken so many years to develop the peace I have in my heart.  My husband has been by my side for close to 45 years.  Our kids have become amazing people who are kind and thoughtful.  Our grandkids are a joy to watch grow up learning about their strengths and hurdles.

It is so simple to say “enjoy your day” it is harder to actually live it.  I will do my best ……..

Our Yard —
My Happy Place

Sometimes family is not related by blood. You can meet them in the grocery store, the park, or like me this week, on vacation at a campground.  Everywhere I turn there are happy people who love their time here.  That has become so rare in my world.

Simple Life

Most people I see are in a hurry to get to their next thing.  Listening and paying attention to others has become rare.  Isolation has become normal and add to that social media, you can fake that you have friends and listening is replaced with a “like” symbol.

As I have always known, every person has a story to tell.  This week there are many that have openly told theirs.  Some have kept us laughing while others brought tears and empathy.  Each campsite is unique and radiates an individual welcome sign for all who pass by.  The common denominator though are patios with lights that twinkle saying “come on in — tell us about yourself.”

When did neighborhoods become so unfriendly? Why does different mean fear? Why are backyards empty?  Isolation has become an accepted daily ritual.  That safety net is the road to loneliness.

Everyone Welcome

I am convinced it is time to change the community atmosphere. Every block should designate the house where everyone feels welcomed and finds real social interaction.  Walking in the door means turning off the TV and cell phone — listening to individual stories of the week.

Re-learning a feeling of community will feel like riding a bike.  It won’t be hard to remember how to do it.

Kindness Is Contagious — Sherry Carver

. . . Memories
May be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember
We simply to choose to forget

So it’s the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were”

Songwriters: Marvin Hamlisch, Marilyn Bergman, Alan Bergman.

Tonight is the Oscar Ceremony.  I used to be glued to this award show and would never miss it.  I tried hard to watch all the movies that were being honored.  I treated it like a holiday and made sure dinner was special.

I now barely watch the show.  What happened?  Did I lose interest?  Have reality shows ruined the medium?  Does the ability to stream so much content overwhelm me?  Did social media and all of it’s revelations ruin my imagination?

For so long, movies were my escape into a world that I always thought of as magical.  The stars of the movie seemed impossible to know — they were mysterious and their private lives were unknown for the most part.  They could be who I saw in the movie — even if for just a little while.

I pictured being a kid in “The Sound of Music” and the family escaping into happiness through their music.  I wanted to be the girl who made everyone laugh in “Funny Girl” and develop strength to carry on in the face of heartbreak.  I could see myself saving my family from ruin in “Gone With The Wind” and being Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz” who longed for the feeling of home.

My parents own divorce came the same year as “The Way We Were” and my tears rolled uncontrollably when Katie and Hubbell decided they were never going to compromise enough to stay together — they could not find their way back to each other and although it stung, it opened the door to healing my own heart.

It is important to escape thoughts — it is not unrealistic to believe that everything will turn out okay in the end — dreaming that you are like the people you admire is essential to finding out what you are made of.   The opportunity for many takes before making decisions is always your own choice.