A Guide For Couples From A Family Law Paralegal

My curiosity is always centered on how people create their lives. . . Other than my passion for organizing, I love to learn how people make choices that lead them to accomplish great things . … . . Some stories are simple others take a difficult route  — Take The Time To Build Your Life

 

A Guide for Couples From a Family Law Paralegal

By Sherry Carver

 

There is no training on how to stay married year after year.  There is something to be said for going into a relationship with your eyes open, some life experience and a feeling that every day is an adventure.

I love the thought that Sara and Jesse have put into their life together:

Who:  Sara Blakely, 47 and Jesse Itzler, 49

Occupations:   She owns Spanx, the shapeware brand; He is an entrepreneur and author.

“If we can’t decide on something, we rock, paper, scissor it. Whoever wins best out of three, it goes in their court. When we’re fighting or mad at each other, we stop and slow dance for 30 seconds to a minute. One of us will reach out for the other, there’s no music. It takes us out of the moment and lets us be kinder.”

I wouldn’t be lost without him. I don’t believe someone completes me. I was a whole person and felt comfortable on my own. So did he. We met each other and wanted to share our journeys. I’m glad I did. I have four little faces at the breakfast table every morning reminding how amazing that decision was and is. (Sara)

She’s a human adventure. There’s always excitement and newness. I have a very good understanding of what makes her tick, and she has that for me. And she allows me to do things I want to, and vice versa. That takes away a lot of potential for resentment. We also understand each other’s needs.” (Jesse)

Not all marriages are meant to be saved but some are worth taking more time with.  I was shocked to find that most couples who decided divorce was their only solution, were not prone to look back.

What if we just sat down and talked about the beginning of the relationship as the first consultation (I would include marital therapy as well) What were the goals and dreams? Did you take the time to figure out your own life before you were becoming part of a couple? Over the years did you give up things you loved to do? Friends? Family?

Let’s face it — we all want the first six months of dating to last forever.  There is no better feeling than the anticipation of seeing someone  you can’t wait to be with.  Everything is new and the thought that this is finally “the one” makes life less complicated.  Very quickly reality gets cloudy.  The time you spend together can fill quickly with a false sense of who they are but more importantly about who you are.  Wouldn’t it be better to talk on the phone more at the beginning? Just a thought.

Part One…My Personal History

I never took the time to get to know myself or experience life on my own in my 20’s. I gravitated toward what I knew — taking care of people. I confused many in my life with my contradiction of needs — alone vs. family.   I was scared of taking risks and wanted the comfort of helping someone else through life.

My parents were divorcing after 23 years together and my world was upside down. I should have taken a closer look at why they could not stay together. All my clues were in their relationship and their beginning.  He was 22 and she was 17 when they married.  They had not become whole and while he was carving out his career, she stayed stuck at 17. He passed her in his ambition and people he was meeting and she was helpless to keep up.  They drifted in their common interests except for their three kids who they both loved — but even the kids could not hold her from wanting to spread her wings. He was steering the house ship after she left and cried many tears.  They could never find their way back to each other even though their new relationships left them with a deep chasm with their children.

I married very quickly at 19. I was not whole.  I had no idea who I was or what I wanted for myself. As an amazing caretaker and pleaser, I was invisible to my own soul.  It took me about 35 years to recover it.

Part Two…Law Office Experience

The law office experience showed me a myriad of different problems with couples but for the most part I felt it came down to unrealistic expectations not only of what marriage is but what another person can do to make you happy.

My experience in life and working in the law office has taught me that in order to keep out of the quicksand of love — these following issues would be great conversation starters.  Knowing how the other person thinks about and would handle what life throws at you, is a good way to determine if this is “the one.”

Part Three…Issues in Relationships

They are in no particular order — pick a few each time and talk about your experiences with each or your lack of experience. Grow together, know what priorities your partner has in life.

RELIGION

EDUCATION/COLLEGE DEGREES

CAREER

BUYING A HOUSE

PARENTAL HELP

WHERE YOU WILL LIVE – BUY OR RENT?

HOUSEHOLD CHORES DIVISION

VACATIONS

CARS

GIFT GIVING

NIGHTS OUT SEPARATELY WITH FRIENDS

OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDS

PARTIES AT HOME (HOW OFTEN)

ORGANIZING – FINANCES, HOME, DAILY/MONTHLY CALENDAR

INDEPENDENCE AND SELF DEVELOPMENT

SUPPORT FROM PARTNER ON LIFE GOALS

JEALOUSY

ABILTY TO BE ALONE AND ENJOY IT

HANDLING DISAGREEMENTS (TALK IT OUT VS. SILENT TREATMENT)

MARRIAGE COUNSELING

HOBBIES — WHAT IF PARTNER DOES NOT FIND YOURS FUN OR INTERESTING

LOSS OF JOB

MOVING AWAY FROM CHILDHOOD HOME CITY FOR SPOUSE’S JOB

FRIENDS BEFORE RELATIONSHIP

WORK ETHIC (WORKAHOLIC VS. FUN FIRST)

DATE NIGHTS

SICKNESS

TAKING CARE OF ELDERLY PARENTS (Financially and Physically)

Part Four… Finances

1.        Budget

2.        Staying on Budget

3.        Parental Financial Help

4.        Who handles the finances

5.        Separate Accounts

I have long heard that finances are the main reason for divorce.  I disagree.  I believe that out of control finances are a symptom of bigger issues:

·      Unrealistic expectations of what marriage means to both people;

·      Boredom — resulting in instant gratification of spending with no real purpose — disappointment of not having “things” that you expected to have;

·      Loss of communication of goals for the year;

·      Loss of respect (they are not the person I married);

·      Loss of life enthusiasm – feeling trapped— lack of motivation to feel better about yourself — exercise, nutrition and education can be a few of the things that get let go;

·      Lack of ability to appreciate the other for their curiosity and growth as a person;

Part Five… Children

Becoming parents is the greatest change in a marriage — communication about daily responsibilities is left to one partner while the other feels that being at work is looked on as avoidance. Date night is a thing of the past and the feeling of “loneliness” is a very real and determined roommate in the house.

Decision on becoming parents:

1)       Do you want them

2)       Stay at home parent or both working

3)       Religion

4)       Working parent involvement

5)       Grandparent involvement

6)       Discipline Ideas (the same as your childhood or completely different)

7)       What happens if we are not able to conceive (adoption, fostering)

Part Six…Take The Time

It is not easy to live with someone year after year.  Two people bring their years of childhood to a relationship.  There is anger and frustration when a partner seems to lose their love and respect for you as a whole person.

I believe that acknowledging and talking about the fear of change is key.  Make things fun and keep laughter as a top priority every day.  Watch out for too much admiration of others (either work or friends) — you never know what is going on in their own lives.  Make a pact to talk to each other first always — before family or friends start weighing in — seek counseling as a guide when there are issues that feel insurmountable and keep coming up over and over again.

I saw many people lose their confidence in themselves while navigating how to keep a marriage together.  Don’t stop learning and growing.  When you find yourselves talking about the same things (boredom), plan a new adventure that puts your brain in learning mode again.  Most of all put a month at a glance calendar in the middle of the refrigerator and start filling in with “fun” first.